Mandatory Enrollment
A Non-Optional Forward Progress Initiative
You were always going to end up here.
Forward progress for those who choose to be chosen.
The Bus has always known your name.
Phase I · Immediate Compliance
You have arrived. This was always going to happen. Complete this sacred intake so our clerics may bless your ledger.
"I joined ironically. I'm still here. My accountant wept. My soul? Third and long."
— Former CPA, Now Deacon
"This is clearly a cult. The website is gorgeous though. Five stars. Would surrender again."
— Verified Poor Decision, Outer Circle
"My lawyer said 'do not join this.' My heart said forward progress. My heart was non-optional."
— Recovering Attorney, Now Deacon
"The Bus stopped for me exactly once. I was so moved I forgot to ask where it was going. Still on it."
— 4-Year Member, Location Unknown
"They said 'this will cost everything.' I said 'define everything.' They sent a very professional invoice. I paid it."
— Patriarch (Initiate Level), Confused but Carried
"Jerome Bettis once looked in my general direction at a Steelers game in 2008. I felt chosen. I was correct."
— Founding Member, Row 14 Seat 7
"Scientology had paperwork. Bussism has a vibe. I cannot explain the legal difference but spiritually it's everything."
— Former Member of Another Thing, Upgrading
"I have been to church. I have been to synagogue. I have been to Bussism. Only one had a foam finger."
— New Member, Previously Agnostic
"My therapist asked me to describe my support network. I said 'The Bus.' She did not follow up."
— Outer Circle, Year Two
"I told my family I was joining a religion. They asked which one. I showed them the website. They are also members now."
— Founding Member, Still Carrying Them
"I don't remember signing anything. The Bus remembers."
— Deacon, Third Year
"The literature said 'non-optional.' I assumed that was a joke. It was not a joke."
— Initiate Since Forever
Every great faith requires artifacts. These are ours. Priced accordingly. Purchases are non-refundable, non-returnable, and spiritually binding.
Bestseller
Liturgical Drinkware
40oz Matte Black & Gold Devotional Tumbler. Hand-illustrated with the Prophet ascending. Dishwasher safe. Soul is not.
† A sacred object. Handle accordingly.
Most Coveted
Spiritual Sporting Goods
Full-grain black leather tour bag. Gold Bussism crest hand-embossed. #BeCarried down the fairway of eternity. Carries 14 clubs and zero regrets.
† A sacred object. Handle accordingly.
Non-Optional
Devotional Accessories
Artisanal devotional foam finger. Hand-screened with the Prophet and the Bussism crest. Points toward The Bus at all times. One size fits most mortals.
† Foam. Not sentient. We cannot guarantee this.
"A Non-Optional Guide to Surrendering Your Free Will and Achieving Eternal Forward Progress."
The Book of Bussism is not a recommendation. It is a record of what has already been decided. It answers every question, including the ones you haven't thought of yet, and several you will be asked not to repeat.
Request Your Copy (Tithes Apply)All tiers are mandatory. Your selection merely determines the invoice.
$0*
*Plus fees, surcharges, and levies we will explain later
$3,600/mo
Contact Us
*The Office of Forward Inquiry has not yet opened.
Bussism does not ask for your belief. Belief is optional. Presence is not. The pillars exist whether or not you accept them, and they were here before you arrived.
Jerome Bettis did not merely carry a football. He carried the weight of inevitable human surrender. Every run was a sermon. You were in the congregation whether you knew it or not.
You go forward. Always forward. There is no review process, no committee, no appeals. There is the Bus, and there is the direction it travels. These are the same thing.
You did not find Bussism. Bussism found you. The moment you began reading these words, enrollment had already begun. Your input on this matter is noted and will not affect the outcome.
All questions are welcomed through the Office of Forward Inquiry. The Office has not yet opened. We will notify you when it opens. Please do not ask when it will open. That is also a question.
Industry best practice says never do this. We did it first. The Bus doesn't brake.
This website cost more than your car. The Bus is well-capitalized.
You can upgrade. You cannot downgrade. There is no cancel button. There is only forward.
We operate from a place of profound spiritual ambiguity and a mailing address we rotate seasonally.
Still here? You are already within the outer circle. We have many circles.
You have read this far. The Bus has seen you.
Resistance is a lateral move. Forward is the only direction.
§ Forward Progress Is Non-Negotiable § #BeCarried
The Bus Has Received You
Your submission has been carried forward into the void. Nothing was actually submitted. This is a joke. #BeCarried
